An open book

 Last week, two days before Christmas Eve, I found out that the results of my new biopsies were positive for cancer.  I had thought that the result might not be good.  My tongue had been hurting again in a couple of spots.

I spent a few days dealing with feelings of overwhelm.  Was I going to die?  Could they fix anything?  Would I lose my ability to speak? This morning I had another MRI and an appointment with the doctors who had built my first tongue.

They recommended that my entire tongue be removed, including the new part that had been built from my wrist.  They felt it had become compromised by being next to the new cancerous area.  They are planning to create a whole new tongue with skin from my thigh.

This new tongue will not operate as well as my last trist (tongue/wrist) did.  The trist had one third of my tongue to at least push it forward and side to side.  I had regained the ability to speak pretty well and was gradually eating more and more foods.  I will be able to speak some in the future because I will still have a larynx, but my swallowing will be impaired. 

The new surgery is no guarantee of being cancer free for good.  Aggressive tumors sometimes come back, particularly after salvage surgery like this.   I thought about what would happen if I just kept my current tongue. At least I would be able to talk and eat, even if I gradually used more pain meds. And the chance of recurrence is still present even with the new surgery. 

But I chose to go forward. The last surgery did bring me two great months with family and my kids.  I would do it all again -- and indeed am going to, in order to keep on going - come what may.

In fact -  I am going to do it TOMORROW.  They had a cancellation right before my appoinment.  I feel better now knowing that at least the tumor will not be growing bigger over the next few weeks.  Usually my surgeries had always been scheduled a few weeks in advance.  It just seemed like a wonderful miracle that I am able to go forward without letting the tumor get any bigger.

Yesterday I was out shopping at Urban Outfitters with my kids:

Tonight I leave for the hospital.  I'll stay there overnight and my surgery will be first thing in the morning.  I'll be there for a week again. 

My New Year's celebration this year will certainly be different.  (I've never partied in a hospital before!) I hope I can celebrate being cancer free all next year. 

The future is an open book for each of us. 

What ever happens with my ability to talk clearly and eat,  I will be able to make art and write.  I will work to make my future an open artbook.

Comments

[Ann]

Lisa... my heart is breaking. I don't even know what to say. You clearly have a positive attitude though and a fighting spirit, and I *KNOW* that makes a big difference. I am thinking of you always and will be praying for a good outcome from surgery tomorrow. We love you!

[Connie Cross]

Lisa dear, I am just thankful you are able to have this tended to before the weeks slip away. My heart and my prayers will be with you every minute tomorrow as you continue on your incredible journey of struggle and hope.

[Virginia]

All my love...
If there is anything I can do - let me know. I'd do anything for you and the family that I can.

[Jan]

Lisa, I love you!!

[Jenny Scott]

Lisa,
My heart, too, was broken with this recent news. But I am buoyed and amazed, yet again, by your incredible spirit. I look so very forward to your open artbook of the future!
With much, much love~
Jenny

[Barbara Eldridge]

Lisa, sweetie
Richard, Friday, Ian. Carly, Ellen, Peter & I had a brief get together here this afternoon - and you are foremost in all our minds.
Love,
Mother