I have a new lap top (which I LOVE) and am feeling well enough to blog again. I've had a lot of family support, but very little sleep. Nights are long when spent in a hospital. I had the foresight to ask for pastoral care before my surgery. At least I could talk then. The same person came back by to see me again tonight. I asked her what prayer she knew that many might feel helpful in the hospital. She said one that helps her is psalm 143:8.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
For I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
For to you I lift up my heart.
I have put my trust in my future and tried to be as strong as I can be. Going ahead with a life where speech may never again be possible requires facing life head on and asking many times a day for inner strength to go forward.
I've gotten the go-ahead to walk around where ever I want to go by myself on the floor. That's HUGE here. I have long cuts on each thigh where they harvested skin and muscle for my current tongue graft. But my legs are still working fine. The reason I may never be able to talk is that so little of my original tongue remains. Only 10% left. The new tissue is mostly to take up room. I can't make a sound yet.
I miss talking on the phone. Its hard to hear someone and not be able to talk to them back. I learned today how to Skype though. I can hear Natalie or Matthew and text them back - and I can type faster than writing. And we can see each other like we were having a conversation in the same room. Many people I know Skype - so texting and Skyping instead of phoning will get me through.
On one of my walks today I heard a guy talking to his mother and the staff about her living will. It seemed like it was close to her time to go and he was hoping he was doing the right thing. The nurses here deal with many issues. Most of the people on this floor are really old. I think it would be hard to take care of them at times.
I don't know when I will be back home yet. More news soon.
Dear Lisa,
To see your beautiful hands once again crafting such honest and courageous thoughts on your computer touches my heart and soul. I continue to be inspired by your strength and ability to remain positive through such battles. My heartfelt and loving prayers remain with you as you again fight your way back to restored health. How blessed you are to have been surrounded by your treasured family and to be wrapped in their love.
Love,
Sue
Posted by: Sue Ferrell | 01/02/2011 at 12:48 AM
Dear Lisa, Mark, Natalie & Matthew,
I just "logged in" for the first time and as I read your blogs, the phrase that comes to mind is "Grace under pressure." Thank you for being willing to share your journey, the daily challenges, the ups and downs. You are an amazing family.
We continue to keep you in our hearts and prayers. We share your tears and fears of both joy and sadness; joy for your faith, love, and courage; to relish & share your time now that you are feeling better; and the sadness that comes with the reality of Cancer in our marathon of LIFE...
Please know that we are here for you and, as I told Mark, we are available to do anything for you that you might need. Just shoot me an e-mail - or if you text me maybe I'll actually learn how to text. :)
Posted by: Patty Acri | 01/02/2011 at 11:01 AM
It is great to see you blogging again. I wish skype/laptops/blogs and the rest of the Internet had been more available when I was sick. I think it is such a great way to communicate when you are stuck in the hospital. I'm so glad to hear you are up and about walking. I'm sure that will help in their decision about when to send you home. I'm wishing you a speedy recovery. Take care, ann
Posted by: Ann | 01/02/2011 at 11:28 AM
Lisa,
I have so many overwhelming emotions when I read your blogs. If only we could wish all your health challenges away. But you continue to inspire so many people with your many, many gifts. You have one of the brightest, most intelligent, most positive spirits I've ever known. I can't imagine what it's like not to be able to talk, but I hope it comforts you to know you still have this amazing gift of communication through your blog, your letters, your photography, and your art. I think back to those incredible letters you wrote to each of us in the short story group, the letter you wrote me for my birthday this year, and the wonderful letter you wrote our girls when they graduated from high school. One cannot beat that kind of lasting, superbly-crafted, heartfelt communication. I look forward to many, many more years of "hearing" your voice via your writing and your art, and consider myself so very fortunate to be one of the people continually touched by your grace.
Love,
Jenny
Posted by: Jenny Scott | 01/02/2011 at 12:55 PM
Lisa, I can only say "ditto" to all of the messages above--each heartfelt and true and filled with love for you. When I read that you are now on Skype and texting at the same time, I realize I will finally have to learn to text. Why have I been putting it off? No more excuses! Sarah and I Skype almost every day and find it's a wonderful way to keep in touch. I am looking forward to Thursday and being with you again.
With much love,
Connie
Posted by: Connie | 01/02/2011 at 03:50 PM
Keep us all going. Keep on typing.
Have faith - trusting yourself.
Posted by: Virginia | 01/02/2011 at 05:31 PM
Lisa,
Sara just sent me the web address for your blog and I read it all today. I am so sorry that this is happening to you but I can feel your strength through your e-mails. I was thinking about when you guys lived in Batavia and I think the girls were in 1st or 2nd grade when you had that mother/daughter tea. I remember thinking at that time what I great idea. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives and we forget to just stop and appreciate. Even when you are fighting a horrible disease you are facing it with strength and are surrounded by much love from your family and friends. Please know that Sara and I are thinking of you, Natalie and your family and if there is anything we can do please let us know. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Laura Moore and Sara Franze
Posted by: Laura Moore (Sara's mom) | 01/02/2011 at 06:21 PM
Dear Lisa, You are such an inspiration. I am sure with the aid of modern technology you will be able to "talk" again. It is amazing what we take for granted but your story is so full of hope that if anyone can, you can. You are truly a beautiful person. Most sincerely, Jan Tollison in Red Wing, MN
Posted by: Janice Tollison | 01/02/2011 at 06:32 PM
Lisa dear, all I can do is send prayers and love. I am so relieved to see you - if only in pictures. Your strength leaves me breathless. Love, JO
Posted by: Joan | 01/02/2011 at 06:44 PM
Lisa,
I am happy you have your "voice" back. You manage to say so much with such precision and heart; expressed in well crafted lines generously sprinkled with insight and beauty. I think we all hang off of your every word, and will continue to do so whether typed, written, or spoken (here's hoping!!). To a cancer free 2011!! Love, Jan
Posted by: Jan Hofmeister | 01/02/2011 at 11:13 PM
Lisa
I want to thank you and your family for sharing so honestly your journey in 2010. You are a powerful witness of hope to all who read your blog. My prayers will continue for you to have a cancer free 2011. My hope for you is to know that God has many more things of joy planned for you. You are not alone in your journey. God loves you and we do too.
Tom S.
Posted by: Tom Scott | 01/03/2011 at 08:38 AM
Dear Lisa,
It was nice to talk to Markie ;) again yesterday while you were out for a walk. We haven't read the entire blog yet but we're getting there. What is so stunning and gives me pause, is the visual beauty and inner beauty that lives here. The purity of heart is the ultimate healer and you've got it, sweetie.
We look forward to planning a Chicago get together and acting all crazy and goofy! Plan on a whopping good time with the old crew!
Posted by: Cheryl Grant | 01/03/2011 at 09:19 AM
Thinking of you. I am so happy to see you in the pictures typing away! We all look forward to you coming home. Love to Mark, Matthew and Natalie. We are here for you if you or the family need anything.
Posted by: Jennifer Yakupcin | 01/03/2011 at 01:05 PM
My brave girl: looking forward to seeing you on the 13th. Love, Mother
Posted by: Barbara Eldridge | 01/03/2011 at 06:10 PM
Lisa, I think you will be inspired by Roger Ebert. He can no longer speak and he is going back on the air doing another show by typing his comments to guests. This is on TV! He said that 'he wants to get on with life.' he doesn't care what people look like - he still has a lot to share.'
I've saved the article and I can fax to you anytime.
Maybe I can scan and attach. I'll try to figure that out.
Eva
Posted by: Eva Grayzel | 01/04/2011 at 12:31 PM
Lisa,
I have read all the comments and see the tremendous impact you have on all the people you touch through your blog. I too have felt the whole gammut of emotions from sad to happy to sad to happy to sad. I love your determination and drive. I am pulling for you and look forward to happy again. Love -- Kathy
Posted by: Kathy Tlougan | 01/05/2011 at 07:11 AM
Hey Seester,
It was great visiting with you, albeit I wish we'd been at Longwood Gardens instead of the hospital. But no matter what the circumstances are, I always enjoy your company! It was nice catching up with Natalie and Matthew, too.
My favorite hospital moment was when you had one really hyper, nervous nurse who was kind of barking orders, so when she left the room, on your notepad you said something like, "she's really stressed. I'm like, just 'chill'!" That made Natalie and me giggle. Even when you're the patient and you should be the stressed one, you're still calm and in full command of that stellar sense of humor and wit! :)
Thinking of you, missing you.
Love, hugs,
Ellen
Posted by: ellen | 01/05/2011 at 02:21 PM
Dear Lisa,
Whatever the word is, you're it - "beyond inspiring". Comments on this and other posts have just about said it all. It's passed right down to Matt and Natalie, too - what Matthew did with continuing this blog was remarkable!
I had a dream about you last night. You were in a Georgetown bookstore with a younger woman who was your "voice". She was introducing you to the owner. You were already somewhat known for your blog, but writing alone from home was no longer fulfilling enough, so your plan was to start doing bookstore talks with the help of this young woman and technology - your responses to questions written on your computer and shown on a big screen. (Evidently, bookstores in the future bring well-followed bloggers in right along with published book authors....)
So glad Connie gets to spend a week with you. I haven't a clue about texting, either, but maybe while she's there, you two can Skype me and she can read me your typed words.
Much, much love,
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah Mills | 01/05/2011 at 03:00 PM
Thanks, Sarah - Your dream vision sounds so cool! You have always been my dream mentor! I have loved hearing about your dream groups for almost as long as I have known you. love, Lisa
Posted by: Lisa D | 01/06/2011 at 09:49 AM
El - I had totally forgotten about the stressed ICU nurse until your reminder! How funny! It was so great to have you visit me. Love, Lisa
Posted by: Lisa D | 01/06/2011 at 09:52 AM