Staying strong

If this life be not a real fight, in which something is eternally gained for the universe by success, it is no better than a game of private theatricals from which one may withdraw at will.  But it feels like a real fight.      William James

 

Lately things have felt like a real fight.  I'm always trying to be strong, and trying to find meaning and something positive each day.  Otherwise, like the above quote by William James, what would the be the point of the theatricals - the adjusting of trachs, feeding tubes, fluid levels and trying so hard to talk again?  Just a private struggle of no consequence?

A theatrical moment came the other day was when I went to have my feeding tube checked.  It required a referral to the general surgeon who had inserted it in November, because my head and neck surgeon couldn't see any signs of infection.  He thought I was fine. I was convinced something was wrong.  My stomach continually hurt more than Oxycodone could cover and food went in more slowly than usual.  

The general surgeon took one look and said, "Yep, that thing is trying to work it's way out of your stomach.  It's halfway out now."  He said, "Hold still.  This will only hurt for a minute."  He then gave a hard yank and pulled the whole tube right out.  OMG!

Theatrical.  No novicaine or pain relief - let's just pull that thing out here in the office.  And all this before ten in the morning during a snowstorm.

My old tube had been held in place by a soft round disc that wasn't doing it's job.  The  surgeon put a new tube in that is held in place by a small inflated balloon on the inside and a round plastic disc on the outside.  Again, no pain relief.  

Fortuneately, my stomach began to feel better within the hour.  

Maybe it is a personal struggle I face - but I still feel compelled to try to make something of it.  What are the most beautiful pictures I can post?  What can I find to share?  Can I find some thought or sight that will help lift my spirits? Is there anyone I can help to feel better while I'm working to uplift myself?

Each day I wake up and say out loud that I'm going to make this a good day.  I know I'll cry over something because things can be hard, but I'll find something positive, too.

Yesterday the victory of the day was learning how to swallow water again.  The last time I tried my neck was not healed enough and water came out of my stiches on the front of my neck and ran down my shirt.  This time I was worrried I would choke - that maybe without any of my original tongue water would go down the wrong way into my lungs.

But, miracle of miracles, the water went down the back of my throat and into my stomach.  My speech therapist who has been helping me was happy, too.  I've been her first client without a tongue and I'm not sure she had high hopes for success.  I managed half a cup of water before I was worn out.  Such hard work that I was sweating!  I didn't think it would be that hard.

I'm going to keep practicing.  If I can swallow water then I can teach myself to swallow other things over time.  In the meantime, until the next victory over my limitations, I've been reading quotes by coaches and fighters.

From Jim Valvano:

Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. People ask me all the time about how you go through your life and how's your day, and nothing is changed for me...To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.   "Don't give up, don't ever give up."                         

 

And my personal favorite quote by Mike Tyson:

Everyone has a plan 'til they get punched in the mouth.     

 

 That's my gift.  I let that negativity roll off me like water off a duck's back.  If it's not positive, I didn't hear it.  If you can overcome that, fights are easy.      George Foreman

Stay strong!

Thanks for the beautiful flowers, Mary and Chris!

Comments

[Jenny Scott]

Wow! Wonderful, moving thoughts by you, and I LOVE the quotes.
I am so blessed to know you, Lisa.
Love,
Jenny
P.S. I'm so sorry you had to go through such pain with your feeding tube. That's just awful that he just yanked it out like that! I'd like to punch HIM in the face.

[Kathy]

Wow Lisa! Your blog is very powerful. I'm amazed at how strong you are. I'll hold your ideas to laugh,think and have emotions that are moved to tears. They will help to give me what some people think of as (a no life-life)-- working, sleeping and eating so much more meaning. I am thankful for a movie with your mom, a beautiful day, a weekend with my grandchildren or an evening with friends. I'm looking at things through new eyes. Thank you Lisa, take care of yourself and continue to heal!

[Connie]

Lisa, your struggles with stomach tube and talking and swallowing and....AND your gorgeous flower photos are together so moving and tearful and uplifting--all at the same time. You make me laugh and cry and think. You are a gift. Thank you.

[dana darnell]

I just want you to know I am thinking about you and praying for you. No words of wisdom, just an imaginary warm embrace.

[Rachel Pavis]

Wow! Great! Lisa, you really are amazing! I am still in awe of the night we spent together! Able to make jokes but still so hard on yourself at the same time. Anyone who is reading this probably already knows, but you are an incredible inspiration! We are all blessed to have you as a friend!

[Barbara Eldridge]

Lisa, Sweetie:
Now that you can swallow, you & Marc can go out for an Irish Coffee on Valentines Day!
Love,
Mother

[Marybess Goeppinger]

I hope you can feel my hug! I think of you every day. let's have strawberry slushy drink . Let's make every swallow a treat. If your going to sweat, make it a happy a sweat. love you marybess

[Cheryl Grant]

Yay, Lisa! That's a HUGE success! You've earned it so enjoy it at your leisure.

[ellen]

I like your fighting metaphor. Here are a few more inspirational quotes about Muhammad Ali, who refused to be inducted into the U.S. Army and had to take his fight all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court--and eventually won!

Bryant Gumbel said of Ali: “…the civil rights movement …[advanced because] Black people were able to overcome their fear…. for many Black Americans, that came from watching Muhammad Ali. He simply refused to be afraid…being that way, he gave [others] … courage.”

Blues great B.B. King said of Ali: “By [Ali] standing up as he did, it gave many of us much more courage than we had; it gave us much more hope than we ever had before.”

The singer, Harry Belafonte, said of Ali:
"Muhammad Ali was the genuine product of what the movement inspired.… He said, ‘I will not play in your game of war. I will not kill on your behalf. What you ask is immoral and unjust, and I stand here to attest to that fact. Do with me what you will.’ He was very inspirational. He was in many was as inspiring as Dr. King, as inspiring as Malcolm [X]. . . . He stood courageously. . . . They could not break his spirit nor deny his moral imperative."

Another interesting tidbit I found out about Ali is that Sylvester Stallone's first Rocky film script was based on the life and comeback of Muhammad Ali!

Keep on fightin'!

love, hugs,

Ellen

[Annie B.]

I'm with your mom, Lisa. Keep practicing with the water so that by next Monday you can celebrate with an Irish coffee. You are unstoppable and inspirational.
Xoxoxox~

[Jan Hofmeister]

Dear Lisa,
So much inspiration packed into one blog! Every quote was very moving (or funny-gotta love the Mike Tyson quote). It is easy to get lost in a good place when viewing your amazing closeups of flowers. And as a friend it is so easy to know, admire, and love you through the intimacies you share. Your thoughts are cohesive and brilliant. Your struggles and victories are felt. (Yahoo for swallowing water!!)(Sorry you have to hurt!!!!)Your humor is woven throughout. That's a "heck" of a blog from a "heck" of a women.
With love, Jan
p.s. looking forward to hugging you soon!

[Jan Hofmeister]

p.s.s It's fun looking for the butterfly in your flower shots- like playing 'Where's Waldo' :)

[Sandy Jelm]

Perfectly said, Jan. "That's our girl!", as Ann always says about Lisa. You make us all proud, dear Lisa. Sending great love and always prayers, Sandy

[Lisa D]

Thanks so much, everyone, for your support!