After

It's been nearly 9 months since my mother passed away. She died on April 30th of last year, 10 days after the last blog post.

Her memorial service was held shortly after in the Unitarian church in Geneva. The service was beautiful, incredibly powerful, and soberingly sad. Given the occasion, everything about the memorial was perfect. It was as if a master director had spent years painstakingly selecting and practicing the order, timing, and emphasis of every song, every passage, and every word. But such was one of my mom's great talents as an artist and designer--she could envision how any thing would look or feel before any part of it was ever actualized. It gave my family and I peace knowing that the service was exactly as she had planned it, and that so many people who deeply cared about her were present. It's amazing how many lives my mom touched, and all for the better...

One of the less-often-thought-about burdens of dealing with a family member's passing is figuring out what to do with all of their belongings, particularly for those which are invaluable. My mom, having been such a talented artist, had a lot of paintings--way more than my dad and my sister and I could hold onto ourselves. After my mom's service, we held a silent auction open to friends and family for many of the paintings. In the end we raised over $6,000 for oral cancer awareness, and those close to my mom each got to take home a piece of her that they could keep forever.

We buried my mom's ashes by the shore of Panther Pond at my grandfather's summer home in Maine. As a family, we vacationed there regularly, and it's a place my mom would visit when in need of some peace and tranquility. We buried her ashes knowing that our family would be returning there for generations to come...

I've known for a long time now that I needed to enter a final blog post as a means of closure, but I put off writing anything under the stress of creating a worthy ending to such a beautiful and soulful blog. Thoughts and memories, both happy and sad, both lasting and fleeting, both empowering and paralyzing, still swirl about in my mind almost at random, making it difficult to organize a coherent and complete message on behalf of my mom. It will likely be years before I can eloquently and accurately express how I have felt, or what my family has had to endure. And it will always be impossible to describe what my mom went through, or to summarize all that my mom means to us.

The more I thought about this post, though, the more I realized that I don't have to say anything special, and I shouldn't try to. The true essence of my mom shines brightly through each of her blog entries. The strength of her spirit is evident in her unwavering optimism through such unfathomable adversity. The way she lived, the way she loved, the way she fought… you don't need me to tell you anything--it's all there already in her own words…

I miss you, Mom. I miss you every day. Natalie and I will do our best to go on enjoying the lives which you made possible; I believe that is the best way we can honor you. Well, that and I will always keep fresh flowers in my home for as long as I live.

- Matthew

Comments

[Annie B.]

I am filled with so many emotions after reading this incredibly beautiful, perfectly crafted post. It was a 6 kleenex entry! There is such comfort in coming back to the blog and being able to write a comment. Your mom's presence is felt simply everywhere.

Perhaps you will start your own blog, Matthew. You really should, you know. Your talents are abundant, and your mom would be so proud to know that you are using your talents to help us heal. Thank you.

I think there will be a line to order the book of the blog. Consider me one of the first to place an order.

[Connie]

Matthew, your grandfather and I are so very proud of you. This cannot have been easy to write yet you created the most beautiful tribute to your mother. Your love for her illuminates every word. Thank you for adding this coda to her remarkable blog. I know how proud she was of both you and Natalie and how much she loved you. You both live up to her high standards and hopes for you every day. She considered herself fortunate to have such wonderful children--as fortunate as you are to have had her as your mother.

[Ann]

Oh Matthew, thanks for taking the time and emotional energy to post. I think about you, Natalie, and your dad so often. You're right - the memorial service was absolutely perfect... down to every last detail. Your mom was such a gift to all of us, and I know you and Natalie were the most precious gifts to her. Love to all of you, Ann

[Sandy Jelm]

Just beautiful, Matthew. This tender and loving tribute to your Mom, and the one you gave at the memorial service & on other occasions we have been privileged to witness, mean the world and are a testament to the strength of your own spirit. "The true essence of your Lisa shines brightly" through you and Natalie -- that is crystal clear. You fill us all with tremendous pride.
She remains forever in our hearts.
Love,
Sandy

[Barbara Eldridge]

Matthew:
Thank you for the lovely post - from your thoughtful words right down to the face in the middle of her painted daisy!
Love,
Baba

[matt mueller]

"Thoughts and memories, both happy and sad, both lasting and fleeting, both empowering and paralyzing, still swirl about in my mind almost at random"

LOVE this line. Embrace those instances. Beautifully gripping and inspiring in entirety, matt

[Virginia Snell]

Thank you, thank you for writing again. Your mom is with me so much of my day. Reminding me to keep a positive and fresh perspective, to laugh, to reach out to others. There is much in my life that I ask her to influence.
I love your bird too ... keep turning to it. I was always impressed the way Lisa could make simple swirls look so artfull, and now you've done it too.
Love,
Virginia

[Kathleen McFadden]

Thank you for posting again, Matthew. I think about Lisa often and miss her so much. I know how proud she was of both you and Natalie. I really appreciate having her painting and photographs which comfort me somehow. They remind me of all of the happy memories we have shared together and of the thoughtful advice she has given me. I believe Lisa has enriched all of our lives with her wisdom, insight and strength. I feel we are all better and stronger for having known her. I really hope all of us can somehow stay connected as I believe she is the thread that binds us together.
Much Love, Kathy McFadden

[Liz]

I am a PT who works at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital and stumbled across this blog while searching google for pictures of bilateral neck dissections. After finding your mom's picture I looked at the blog to see if any additional photos were posted. When I found pictures of Jefferson I began reading her posts and got hooked finishing the entire blog in one sitting.
To say the least I was extremely touched and enlightened by your mother's thoughts. I work on the ninth floor at Jefferson and treat patients after these surgeries everyday. Your mom's struggles and hopes after surgery gave me a look into the silent thoughts of these individuals and changed my appreciation for their struggles forever.
This blog would make an incredible memoir to assist all tracheostomy and ear, nose and throat patients to cope. I want to thank you for letting us experience a small piece of your families experience and let you know I will be first in line to buy a book!

[Jan]

Matthew, my thoughts are with you and your family today more than ever. What better way to honor your mom than to return to her honest, heart wrenching yet inspiring thoughts, her beauty and the beauty she created in photos and paint, and the wisdoms she imparted. She is so missed!! and admired!! I've been meaning to comment on your final blog but didn't have the words, and I still don't. All I can say is thank you! And I wish you well. With love, Jan Hofmeister.

[heaven]

dear this is the nice story.this story touch my heart deeply.my mind at a glance inside this sorrowful story.i love that very heart and soul.